Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
