Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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