i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
