The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
