I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
