Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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