i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
