Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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