he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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