ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
