i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
