she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
