I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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