Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Sober January is a disaster.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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