i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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