I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i now understand why vodka
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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