i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you had me at cake vodka
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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