You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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