Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
