He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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