when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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