There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
