What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
