We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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