I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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