be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
