I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
