Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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