I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You're like the curious george of whores
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
