I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
