i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
