We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
