our cab driver is having phone sex.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
