I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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