In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
