im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
