if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
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