I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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