I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
