I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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