i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
