I cockslap morals
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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