So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
