He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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