Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
