So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
