I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you never un-have a 4some
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
