I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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