i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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