You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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