it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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