I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
