So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
