i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
