i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
