every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Two words: blizzard sex
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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