I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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