The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
