Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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