stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
