tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
