Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize