During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
