If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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