last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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